Saturday, May 1, 2010

I (Do NOT) Wear Short Shorts

The world has gone mad. Again.

Wednesday it was about 50 degrees with gusting winds making it feel even colder, and now the weekend is peaking at 88 degrees!!! Wednesday I made another batch of onion soup to fend off the chill (or, you know, as an excuse to make more onion soup) and today I'm going to have to scour my brain for Summer menu ideas. (Read, not turning on the stove.)
Or, maybe we'll just eat out like the rest of the world.

As if that weren't enough proof of the world gone topsy-turvy, a friend of the hubs has just announced he is going to stop eating meat. (If you knew the guy, you'd understand why this is quite so f*cked up.) At least we have convinced him to keep eating meat long enough to gorge on the roast suckling pig scheduled for a bachelor party later in May.
But seriously, MADNESS!!!

And just in case this sudden flash of warm weather has all the twitter-pated young'nes feeling the need to flash their skin all willy-nilly, I have the following to say:
(No, that was not a Twitter comment. That was a Bambi reference.)

The sun is shining, the weather is warmer, and we all want to shed our itchy sweaters and wooly layers for Spring and Summer. Any minute now I shall head to the park in a comfy sun dress, complete with hat and sunblock, because The Irish Don't Tan. But I know I shall see a lot of things I would not like to see when I get to the park.

Warm weather is not an excuse to have your "altogether" hanging out of your pants. Or what you are trying to pass off as pants. And there is no such thing as "age appropriate" on this topic. In fact, if you are a parent and you let your child whine their way into getting a pair of these "shorts" you should instantly have your right to be a parent revoked.

Exhibit A: If your cut-offs are so short that your front pockets stick out below them, they are TOO SHORT
Exhibit B: See Exhibit A. And please god burn whatever you have woven onto your feet.
Exhibit C: I'm so happy for you that you have fantastically toned and non-ghostly bluish-white legs that some of us must use to walk this world. However, do you know how many STDs you will catch just by sitting on the same bench as the other Jersey Shore cast members who sport similar shorts?

Aside - MTV, you ruined many of my summers by creating your MTV Beach House south of the 1-lane highway that I lived on. Traffic never cleared and jackasses could be heard at all hours of the night. Now, however, you have gone out of your way to promote the lowest form of beach dweller. I hope you all suffer and die from the French Pox, you evil douche-bags*.

* Sorry to have offended the sensibilities of any innocent readers, but really, whoever dreamed up, OK'd, and then produced those shows is on par with the slime stuck to the foot/hoof of whatever devil of whatever religion you would like to relate them.

Further Exhibit C: Look! Even on the (airbrushed to) cellulite-free backside of this model, you can see her freaking bum-cheek shadow/crease. And if that IS just the shadow of the fringe of the shorts, it's still wrong for all the previously mentioned reasons as well as the fact that I think that I can actually see her bum.

Also, if you are wearing shorts, ditch the cowboy boots. 
These last ones just fall under the category of WTF? Wearing what look like the rolled-up slouchy boxer-briefs of some guy you (one would hope) know, but with pockets and a faux fly... and a super-low crotch so you have to walk funny.
Also, again, WTF sandals, both in general fashion and in matching the mood of what you are wearing.

My final ruling is: if you are at the beach and wearing shorts over your bikini bottoms for some semblance of propriety/modesty while walking around, the minimum inseam of your shorts should be 3". 

For all other purposes, 5" should be the minimum inseam of all shorts worn by anyone at any time. 
That is my ruling. 
Deal with it.
I'm going to the park.


Erin said...

So, so, so true. It is hard too, because it seems like the stores only sell the super short shorts. It's those or mom shorts. And even though I'm a mom, I'm still in my 20's and can't succumb to mom shorts. Sigh. Oh, and my husband has already blocked all mtv channels in my house (even though my kids only know PBS exists) in an effort to prevent "douchiness from infiltrating" our household.

Jennifer said...

Short shorts exist in the same "bad idea" category as the dresses that might really only be long shirts and that seem to be held down over the backside only by sheer force of will and the absence of wind. I do not understand why so many people feel it's appropriate to gamble with physics, propriety, and everyone else's continued mental health by showing off more than any of us wanted to see. It makes me want to take them to Goodwill for pants.