Totally Pointless

Just in case anyone here doesn't know, the term "April Fool" was coined for the people who were resistant or slow to changing to the new Gregorian calendar in the 16th century (which accounted for the difference of 11 seconds of each vernal equinox from year to year by incorporating "leap day", without which over a few hundred years would throw it off by over a week) but the REAL point was that it declared New Year's Day to be January 1st, not April first.
Anyone who had not adopted the new calendar was referred to as "An April Fool".

But as far as the more modern usage of an April Fool's joke or prank, the item below might work for a gift.
Because really, even as a gift for "the person who has everything" who the hell needs silver-plated mussel extractors???

If it's THAT hard to remove the mussel, you didn't cook it correctly and shouldn't eat it anyway.
And what if you get some of those ginormous mussels? They won't fit in there!
They should at least come in varying sizes if you want to pretend that these are practical.
Sheesh.

However, if you need to keep your dainty digits clean while scarfing your shellfish and you just can't live without one, you can find them here.

Lesson Learned

I remember when I was younger that days like today would get me really worried.

Not because the wind is gusting to 30 mph or because it's overcast with the threat of rain. 

It's October. 

I expect those kinds of days.

No, what really got me worried was that it was only October 15th, and if the high temperature was only in the mid-50's this early in the month... 

WAS MY MOM GOING TO MAKE ME WEAR A PARKA OVER MY HALLOWEEN COSTUME?!?!?!

Because that is just SO not cool.

Unless you're dressed as the Michelin Man*.

* Also not cool. Although Stay Puft would be acceptable.

So in this weather I make dinner a la Bolognese, or just a ragu, quite often and for many reasons. It's delicious, it's fairly easy**, it's comforting and satisfying... but the most common reason that it ends up on our plates is because ground meat is inexpensive. And if one particular meat is on sale that week, then that is going to be what we eat.

However, I recently learned my lesson on that front.
Beef Bolognese - delicious, rich, classic
Veal Bolognese - delicious, delicate
Chicken Bolognese - not my first choice, but with a little tweaking can be a nice change
Turkey Bolognese - tastier than chicken if you get a little color on it
Dark Meat Turkey Bolognese - Make Burgers Instead

Dark meat turkey is so much more flavorful than turkey breast that it just lends itself to making burgers or other meals in which the meat is the star flavor. When I used it in my bolognese recently, I was really thrown off by the strong turkey flavor. It was like having leftover Thanksgiving turkey but covered in tomato sauce instead of gravy and cranberry sauce.
Maybe it won't bother you, but for me it was just weird.


** Easy if you cheat and use a pre-made slow-cooked tomato sauce instead of fresh tomatoes which take hours and hours to cook down...

I started out sautéing a chopped onion, 1 grated carrot, and the dark meat turkey.

Just make sure it's opaque once cooked since it is poultry.

Add favorite tomato sauce if lazy, or a 14oz can of crushed tomatoes if you have all afternoon, and then the herbs and seasonings of your choice .

Such as fresh basil ribbons!

Don't forget the wine of your choice to cook down as well.

When the sauce has melded and come together, add a bit of milk or cream for richness.

Check for seasoning.

This looks just like any other sauce, but alas, it will not be happening again in my kitchen.

That is also why this is a bit of a slap-dash description of the meal.

I didn't actually want to remember it.

But, that's just me.

F*ck Frisée

I'm on a venting bender, I warn you.

Evil Roughage Trying To Take Over The World

I am so f*cking tired of being served Frisée. WHY is this a good thing to serve everywhere from frou-frou restaurants to Green Market rustic joints? Because it's "interesting to look at" as I read on one site discussing its use?

The Pretty To Look At Diet must work wonders.
Right up until you starve to death.

If it's pretty to look at, just plant it in your damned garden and let the deer eat it.

(Betcha they don't, tho!)

Even deer won't eat me!

I don't want to waste my time or calories on food that does not taste great. I do not eat so that I live. I live to eat. I am ALWAYS thinking about my next meal. And sometimes even the one after that.
I try to eat balanced meals whenever possible. In fact I do most of the time, but the idea of eating just so you have the energy to get through your day/life is just sad to me.
Which is why I do not understand the overabundance of Frisée on restaurant plates.
- It's bitter
- It's hard to stab with a fork
- It does not have a pleasant mouth feel
- It is difficult and costly to produce
- It doesn't even have nutritional value as a vegetable!!!

GET IT OFF MY DAMNED PLATE!!!!!


Serve me ANY of the following in ANY combination:
Spinach
Arugula
Butter Lettuce
Boston Lettuce
Bibb
Swiss Chard
Red Leaf
Green Leaf
Kale
Mâche
Romaine
Hell even ICEBERG is better than Frisée.

Endive survives solely to be stuffed full of things that distract from the bitterness so you just enjoy the crunch and its handy boat-like shape.

But I say BAN THE FRISEE!!!!!

P.S. - raw Radicchio can go f*ck itself too. Everyone picks that shit out of their salad anyway.

End rant.

MEATOPIA

So this weekend on Governor's Island was what should have been a brilliant event entitled "Meatopia." Dozens of well respected and popular chefs and representatives had tents serving various forms of BBQ'd meat. Unfortunately, the people who planned this clusterf*$k had no idea how to organize it, how to limit human traffic, or how to plan for how many tickets they sold.

Ideas for the future:

Limit the number of attendees (a.k.a. have a sell-out point)

Inform the chefs of the highest projected number of attendees

Have different entry times. Try using different colored wristbands so people have to leave.

Just a few suggestions...

I planned this day as a gift to the hubs, as our 4-year wedding anniversary is later this week, and as I may have mentioned before, he is a big fan of most meats and just about anything barbecued.

We got to the event about 3 hours in (would have been earlier except there were delays on the ferry) and three hours before it ended. We each had a ticket for six tastings, which means we SHOULD have been able to sample about half of the dishes available.

We were not.

Examples of things we did not get to try:

Pecan Smoked Short Rib over Asian Slaw & Bourbon Infused Mashed Sweets

Pulled Pork Shoulder

Pulled Pork Sliders

La Caja China Roasted Pigs

Smoked Duck Tacos (Sue Torres of Sueños Restaurant)

Barbacoa De Boreggo (Mexican BBQ Lamb)

Baron of Beef (from The Little Owl)

Marinated Skirt Steak (Christopher Lee of Aureole)

Grilled Bacon Sandwich

Honey-glazed Baby Back Ribs w/ Thai Basil & Mint (The Hurricane Club)

Lamb Spare Ribs, Plum & Sesame Glazed

The reason we did not get to try any of these things is because THEY RAN OUT! Hours before the event ended most of the tents were empty, and in the last hour there were only 4 places still serving, and the lines were hundreds of people long. We only got to taste three things total, and the only really decent one was the bison steak from High Plains Bison.

Apparently the people running it had no clue how many tickets and tastings had been sold and so no information was passed to the chefs. NOT COOL, PEOPLE!

Standing in lines in alternating sweltering heat and showering rain, after paying between $60-90 for tickets, and only get three 2oz tastings (rather than 12) is absolutely unacceptable.

Luckily the hubs kept his calm, I only got moderately cranky, and when it really started to rain we found a little tarp set up on a field and hung out under it. So we only got severely damp instead of drenched.

If you enlarge the photo above, you can see the rain drops on the right that are falling even while the sun is shining. It would have been an interesting day, had we been fed.

The alternating rains made for some seriously dirty feet.

I showered the instant I got home.

While the rest of the grumbling crowd went to stand in line for the return ferries (at least they are free!) the hubs and I went to explore some of the old barracks on the island. It was very interesting and very pretty. 

I took this picture from a rocking chair on the deck inside a square that once had a moat around it!

View of the southern tip of Manhattan from Governor's Island.

You can see all three bridges going up the East River from the ferry port as well.

The Statue of Liberty with some interesting post-rainstorm clouds.

The Governor's Island Ferry Station. Really interesting architecture, if a questionable color scheme...

A moment of cuteness between two hungry & bedraggled folk on the ferry.

(a.k.a. me & the hubs)

The post rainstorm clouds were doing some stunning things.

I leave you with this stunning image, and know that upon returning home (and showering) I made some lovely panko & lemon thyme encrusted tilapia so we did not die of starvation.

(I had planned on fish for dinner because it would be light after our feast of various meats. HA!)

The day may not have gone even remotely how I'd hoped and planned, but it was an adventure if nothing else. And I'm thankful that the hubs is the type of person to put the positive spin on things ;)

But man do I hope they get their sh*t together before next year...

Mama's Got A Brand New... Mitt

I have Jury Duty today. Considering that last time I was called for Jury Duty they made us all sit in a room, watch a video of a "witch trial" and how things may or may not have changed since then, and then denied us food, water, and telephones for hours on end, I consider Jury Duty to be Grown-Up Detention.

Since my day shall be as boring as watching paint dry, I thought I'd toss in an appropriately dull post.
Ahem:

You know you need new oven mitts when yours look like this:

Stuffing coming out of the thumb. 

Stuffing coming out of the forefinger. 

Generally decrepit and gross. Oven Mitt Fail.

While my Dansk mitts served me well for about 8 years, they have been deep-sixed in favor of the spankin' new 17" mitts that have taken their place hanging inside the cabinet by the stove.

And yes, I need the long mitts. 

I like the flesh of my forearms to stay on my forearms. 

Intact and with the promise of future freckling.

That is all.

Awake During the Not-Awake Hours

It is after 4 in the morning, and while I am clearly awake, I am not just getting home from something fun.
Neither am I awake in order to catch a flight to a lovely location (one of the other Only Reasons It Is OK To Be Up Before Dawn).
Rather, this is the 4th night/morning in a row in which I have woken up between 2 & 3 AM and struggled to get back to sleep.
This time, around 3:30, I just got up.

(FYI - my cats are loving that I am awake and are chasing each other pell-mell around my living room. Nocturnal animals are just nutty.
Also, I don't think you can really consider a cat to be nocturnal, considering they sleep about 18 out of every 24 hours. They are more of a "selectively awake" creature.)

First, I made a list of what I was thinking about, in the hopes that I would be able to stop thinking and actually fall back asleep.
No such luck.

Next, I decided to make myself a snack, but as the hubs is sleeping (like a sane human) I could not do anything that involved clattering, pots or pans, etc. So I decided on a sandwich.
But of course, being me, I couldn't just make a PB&J.
I had to do something that took more effort. So:
Whole wheat bread, spread with some fromage blanc (don't have cream cheese at the moment, so went with the yogurt-y tang instead), thinly sliced cucumber, fresh dill, smoked salmon, and a squeeze of lemon juice.

Not half bad.
Not as good as still being asleep in my comfy bed, but not bad.

And no pictures because I am not setting off a flash at 4AM.

I shall now try to read more of a truly sub-par book in the hopes that it will put me to sleep from sheer boredom. It's called "Savage Lands" about French settlers in 1704 Louisiana. The book jacket made it sound interesting while I was at the library with a two-sided plot that eventually joins together.

 The book jacket LIED!!! 

But I am extremely stubborn when it comes to books, and for some reason, unless it is truly the worst dreck ever published, I feel the need to finish the book and see how it ends.

Finally: Aw Crud. The birdies have just begun their morning chirping. Daylight is on its way. Something tells me I shall have a very lazy Saturday...

Pizza Semi-Fail

I say semi-fail because in the end, it was still pizza, and we ate all of it.

Making pizza from scratch is one of those things you really don't need to do, but sometimes just get the urge to. So, this was one of my less perfect attempts.
Note: I bought frozen dough from Fresh Direct. That was probably my first mistake. And one I will have to repeat because I have four more balls of their "dough" in my freezer. Dang.

After defrosting in the refrigerator overnight, and letting the dough come to room temperature for an hour (and expand) I attempted to roll out the dough into a recognizable pizza shape.

Fail # 1. Apparently I can only roll dough into an oval, not a circle. But then, that's kind of how you buy pizza in Rome, so, it's not really a failure. I can just pretend I wanted an oval pizza on my round pizza disc.
After rolling out the dough, I drizzled it w/ olive oil, spread it around, and seasoned it all with garlic salt for a little pre-baking of the crust.

Can you say air bubbles? Holy crap. Note to self: use fork to prick dough next time. Also, watch out for thin spots, such as the dark brown spot top center. Grr.

On to toppings. I used a basic tomato sauce that I like, and dotted it with fresh mozzarella and freshly grated Parmigiano Reggiano. If I'd had any fresh basil, I would have laid down a nice chiffonade to finish off the pizza. Instead, it just had to suffer with only the basil that was in the tomato sauce.

Apparently I should have checked the crust after 12 minutes, instead of 15, because I let the edges burn. However, the browned and melty cheese was perfect.

A little interesting slicing, and my oblong slightly burnt pizza was ready to serve. As usual, Mike did not care at all and devoured 75% of it. It tasted totally fine and like a normal tasty pizza. It just looked less than perfect.

I learned a few things along the way, so hopefully next time I can improve my dough-rolling skills and create a more uniform crust.

Practice Makes Better Pizza.

Good Friday?

I'll be the judge of that, thank you very much.

Yesterday was April Fools Day, a.k.a. April 1st, and apparently my chemicals decided to play a prank on me and go into meltdown mode. And while I have been off my medication (for the first time in many years) for about seven months, I still have some stashed away In Case of Emergency.
You know, one of those days wherein no matter how hard he tries, the Marquis just cannot make it better? Because there is no rational reason for you to suddenly feel that shitty about yourself and life in general.
So, emergency action (and a pill or two) has been taken, and I may be MIA for the next few days.

I promise to come back with something delicious to make it up to you.

For those of you that celebrate Easter, I hope your baskets runneth over.

Focaccia Fail

Inspired by a fantastic stromboli-type offering in the breadbasket at Scarpetta, I decided I wanted to figure out how to recreate that bread for myself. (Apparently, making a panini just wouldn't cut it.)
So I decided to try to make some focaccia from scratch.

I will only say that, while I was kneading the dough, I knew something was wrong. I knew I had the wrong consistency, and that it wasn't going to come out right. But, I am also stubborn, so I spent the full 4 hrs making the bread, just to see how it would turn out.

I do not have one of those fancy stand mixers with optional dough-hook attachment, so I had to do it all by hand. Extra tricky as I have never made bread before, other than something like banana bread, which isn't made from a dough, but rather a batter, and so harder to screw up.

Well... even though I knew it was going wrong, it starting out giving me faint hope that it wouldn't suck completely.

The dough actually rose during the hour + that it was left to rest. Even if it looks lumpy instead of puffy and smooth. (I told you I knew this wouldn't end well.)

Then I tried to halve it so I could experiment even further, making one regular focaccia, and one stuffed with prosciutto and smoked mozzarella. Good idea, but with crap dough, not a chance of proper execution.

The smaller blob on the right is the folded-over stuffed one. My dough failed to rise the second time, after stretching out, so that's why it looks like a deflated whiffle-ball.
Drizzled w/ evoo and lots of salt, I baked the bastards off anyway.

Crispy, yes. Unfortunately, dense as... well no bread is supposed to be that dense. It's more of a weapon than a food source. But Mike was nice and ate the stuffed one saying he liked it (sometimes I really worry about his palate...)

But the flavor wasn't all bad, so I thought today that I'd try to turn it into a flatbread pizza kinda deal. Fresh mozzarella, garlic, olive oil, salt, basil, etc...

I even pre-roasted the tomato slices.

There is just no saving shitty bread. Turning it into croutons would just be an insult to the unsuspecting salad-eater as they broke a tooth on the extra-hardened nuggets from further toasting.

I did, however, eat all that melted mozzarella and tomato topping. And it was good! So HA!

There is my first attempt at bread. Ending in total failure. See, I will post my failures... just grudgingly. And I may not acknowledge them in the future, no matter what evidence you produce. Just sayin'...

Also, I have since learned that a dear friend of mine used to make this bread ALL THE TIME growing up. She will soon be imported from Brooklyn and chained to my kitchen to help me not suck at this anymore. Until then, I am going to have to haul my butt down to 74th to buy my focaccia at Salumeria Rosi. And OH NO I guess I'll have to pick up some fresh burrata while I'm there.

However will I survive?
:)

Blog Fail

I must apologize, dear readers. I made a fabulous fettucini with wild mushrooms for lunch, and I did not take a single picture. Even as I sat down to eat it, and realized it was a perfect meal to write about, I did not stop to take a picture of the final product.
Blog. Fail.

However, that gives me a perfect excuse to make it again soon.
Oh. Darn!

Secondary fail - the weather. WTF Winter Storm Warning? What's with dumping two feet of snow on Philly and DC and leaving us New Yorkers freezing our butts in 25 degrees without so much as a flurry? WHERE IS THE LOVE?!