I (Do NOT) Wear Short Shorts

The world has gone mad. Again.

Wednesday it was about 50 degrees with gusting winds making it feel even colder, and now the weekend is peaking at 88 degrees!!! Wednesday I made another batch of onion soup to fend off the chill (or, you know, as an excuse to make more onion soup) and today I'm going to have to scour my brain for Summer menu ideas. (Read, not turning on the stove.)

Or, maybe we'll just eat out like the rest of the world.

As if that weren't enough proof of the world gone topsy-turvy, a friend of the hubs has just announced he is going to stop eating meat. (If you knew the guy, you'd understand why this is quite so f*cked up.) At least we have convinced him to keep eating meat long enough to gorge on the roast suckling pig scheduled for a bachelor party later in May.

But seriously, MADNESS!!!

And just in case this sudden flash of warm weather has all the twitter-pated young'nes feeling the need to flash their skin all willy-nilly, I have the following to say:

(No, that was not a Twitter comment. That was a Bambi reference.)

The sun is shining, the weather is warmer, and we all want to shed our itchy sweaters and wooly layers for Spring and Summer. Any minute now I shall head to the park in a comfy sun dress, complete with hat and sunblock, because The Irish Don't Tan. But I know I shall see a lot of things I would not like to see when I get to the park.

Warm weather is not an excuse to have your "altogether" hanging out of your pants. Or what you are trying to pass off as pants. And there is no such thing as "age appropriate" on this topic. In fact, if you are a parent and you let your child whine their way into getting a pair of these "shorts" you should instantly have your right to be a parent revoked.

Exhibit A: If your cut-offs are so short that your front pockets stick out below them, they are TOO SHORT

Exhibit B: See Exhibit A. And please god burn whatever you have woven onto your feet.

Exhibit C: I'm so happy for you that you have fantastically toned and non-ghostly bluish-white legs that some of us must use to walk this world. However, do you know how many STDs you will catch just by sitting on the same bench as the other Jersey Shore cast members who sport similar shorts?

Aside - MTV, you ruined many of my summers by creating your MTV Beach House south of the 1-lane highway that I lived on. Traffic never cleared and jackasses could be heard at all hours of the night. Now, however, you have gone out of your way to promote the lowest form of beach dweller. I hope you all suffer and die from the French Pox, you evil douche-bags*.

* Sorry to have offended the sensibilities of any innocent readers, but really, whoever dreamed up, OK'd, and then produced those shows is on par with the slime stuck to the foot/hoof of whatever devil of whatever religion you would like to relate them.

Further Exhibit C: Look! Even on the (airbrushed to) cellulite-free backside of this model, you can see her freaking bum-cheek shadow/crease. And if that IS just the shadow of the fringe of the shorts, it's still wrong for all the previously mentioned reasons as well as the fact that I think that I can actually see her bum.

Also, if you are wearing shorts, ditch the cowboy boots. 

These last ones just fall under the category of WTF? Wearing what look like the rolled-up slouchy boxer-briefs of some guy you (one would hope) know, but with pockets and a faux fly... and a super-low crotch so you have to walk funny.

Also, again, WTF sandals, both in general fashion and in matching the mood of what you are wearing.

My final ruling is: if you are at the beach and wearing shorts over your bikini bottoms for some semblance of propriety/modesty while walking around, the minimum inseam of your shorts should be 3". 

For all other purposes, 5" should be the minimum inseam of all shorts worn by anyone at any time. 

That is my ruling. 

Deal with it.
I'm going to the park.

Fashion Gone Wrong

I've been cooking a lot lately, so just to keep things interesting:
It's time to mock more horrible fashion!

Let's start with footwear.

 It looks like the sole of this shoe is actually falling off. How would you walk in them?! Do they come with matching suede ski poles so you can lean forwards without falling over?

These simply fall into the category of, How Tall Do You Need To Be? The chains crossing over the patent leather kind of call to the rocker in me, were I performing on stage... but not the 5" heel with narrow platform. These shoes were clearly NOT made for walkin'.

On to things that should not be worn on the bottom half of your body, ever. Not in public, and not at home.

Not only should you not have words across your bum, but you should not have little hearts running down the backs of your legs. Bonus: you can see in the picture that the black is slightly see-through. Awesome.

I can't... they're not... WTF?!?!?!?!


Just, No. Under no circumstances. No.

Here's a winning number. Ever wanted to look like you had your oversized shirt tied around your waist all the time without the pesky nuisance of actually tying one there?
Then have we got the skirt for you!!!

Just in case the front view didn't convince you, it really will look like you are wearing a shirt around your waist as a skirt. Just don't try to untie the sleeves.

This is not Hervé Léger. This little number is by a brand called, "Pleasure Doing Business"... I think we can all guess just what "business" they are involved in. Moving on...

Nanette Lepore Primrose Pant.
On, Nanette, how you have let me down. But now I know what to wear should the urge to splatter-paint arise.

Finally, for the girl who wants to look like an M.C. Escher Egyptian Royal: your gown awaits.

Next time on Fashion Gone Wrong: I know the weather is getting warmer, but that is no excuse to wear shorts that show your lower-bum-crease. You have been warned.

On that note, I am going outside to enjoy the lovely Spring weather!

Halloween is only 234 days away!!!

Found these in an undisclosed catalogue that somehow found me again a decade and 3 apartments later...

 They're kind of so awful that I want to buy them and base my entire 2010 Halloween costume around them. Plus, as a bonus, they are black and purple, and I'm a total sucker for purple.

But those heel-webs just look like they are asking for multiple blisters and tearing all attempts at wearing pantyhose.

But they also have those classy wing-tip perforations around the toe cap! Grr...

I think I will stick to other inspirations for Halloween 2010. But they are some insane shoes, and attention had to be paid.

Fashion Gone Wrong

So this will be my first of (possibly and most likely) many posts about fashion gone horribly, horribly wrong. Sometimes they may just be photos with expletives alongside. This time, I have a multitude of offenders to confront.

I am taking on sequins.
I think sequins have their place, and as a child of the 80's I definitely enjoyed some tacky sparkle-age. However, I think that sequins need to be a bit more surreptitious. A thin band around a fedora, a smattering on a tank, maybe even a tuxedo stripe down the side of a skirt or dress-pant.
Places sequins should NOT be: all over. The only time all-over-sequins "works" is on one of those little dresses that only work at a club in LA or Miami/South Beach, and if you are in a place where those dresses "work" then you should probably rethink your life.
But I digress.

I charge the following items of clothing with be Ugly in the First Degree, with a side of What Were You Thinking and How Can You Charge So Much for That?:

Exhibit A: Sequined leggings in gunmetal silver.  Now, I also fall into the category of Leggings Are Not Pants So Cover Your Ass. These clearly do not wish to be covered, so they are guilty on multiple levels.

Next we have what are essentially sequined leggins, only they have a fly and pockets. Not an improvement in my book except in the fact that you can probably get them off your body faster in the case of a Return of Reason.

Here we have the sequined sweat-pant with elasticized waist. Mayhap what a Solid Gold Dancer would relax in, or warm up in, before a show.

For a better option, check what The Sassy Curmudgeon has discovered!

In case you live in a warmer climate, the sequined lounge pants also come in a very flattering elasticized short.

 Not to be left out are the sequined crop-sweat-pant (above right) and what appears to be a cropped sequined harem pant (above left).

In case you live in a chillier clime, you have the belted sequined sweater. But fear not! You shall not overheat due to the thoughtful slashes in your pleather leggings (which are not pants!)

And look! They're an Editors' (that means multiple evil souls) Pick! The editors pick for what? I mean seriously, this looks like one of Liberace's more subdued smoking jackets.

Back away...


Finally, I give you a piece that might be fabulous for a special occasion, except in my book it needs to be at least 4 inches longer:

I actually kind of like this mini. The sequins are more spread out, and it has that sexy unadorned mesh hem. Make it 4-5 inches longer so I can bend to put on my shoes without flashing the world, and you have a fun Going Dancing type of skirt.

This is also fun because the entire world is currently sporting the sequined tank under a black blazer (which I secretly wish to be wearing tho I couldn't find a sequined tank that I liked AND could afford) so it would be a bit different.

Buyers, Fashionistas, and Victims BEWARE!!  Just because a recognizable brand is sporting a new trend, it does NOT mean that it is a good thing.

Learn from the 80's and 90's. Spare yourselves. And us.